Once again, I had to start a fight with Roland today. I was irritated again! But you know what, I can't freakin help it! I'm the kind of person that I guess has a sense of urgency...probably more than others. But with him, I guess it's not and I am tryin so hard to be patient! I guess I need to try harder. Or maybe it's because i'm not getting my way????? I don't really know. In most of my relationships, I'm usually the one wearing the pants, you know not being the "typical needy girl". But the more that we've been seein eachother, the more i'm turning into those girls that I can't stand. I'm going to try a little harder not to nag at him like a mom is what i'm trying to say. Because everytime that I get in a fight with him...that's all that i see myself doing. Sometimes, when i think back or when i'm not angry anymore, i'm like "That was stupid of me to get mad at him for something so small." So then I feel stupid......but enough about that. Hopefully i see him tomorrow cause i leave for Germany on Monday morning for a week. But enough about this i have other things on my mind as well.

 Well, when i get back i have to do this USAFE Idol contest and i think i had mentioned it earlier in my last entry, but the more that i think about it, the more nervous i get. The only reason that i signed up for this is because there is a cash prize for the winners and if i get first place i get to go back to Germany to learn about performing from professionals. Plus, maybe it will get rid of some stage fight that i have. I know, i have sang many times in front of big crowds, but every time i get on the stage, i get that sick feeling in my stomach and then i start to shake a little. And i don't want to mess up because pactically all of the people from my squadron are going to be there because Services is hosting this thing, and the other singers are really REALLY good too. I know some of them. And i only get one rehearsal instead of the two because i'm getting back really late from Germany on Fri. So techically, i'll be winging it when the real thing comes around. And i want my friends to go and everything, but as soon as i look in the crowd and recogninze someone i know...it's all over from there. I don't want to look like an idot in from of everyone and i almost said f**k it and i'm not going to do it, but the guy that was in charge of the whole thing went to my squadrons orderly room and picked up the paper for me cause it was already overdue! And then the Commander said something about it.....so i've got a lot of pressure from everyone and i just don't want to let them down. Plus i am really competitive when it comes to music so i always find some mistake or think that i could have done better. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. okay next topic:

 Today, a co-worker of mine said that next year, he is getting out of the military because he doesn't like our job, but that he is going to reenlist 6 months after to get another one and i didn't know that you could do that!!! So then he asked me the question that i ask myself every single day when i drive to work.."Are you going to stay in?"  And to tell the honest truth i have no idea. In 2 years, i have to decide if i want to get out or stay in. Two years might sound like it's a long way, but time flies! I want to stay in because all of the benefits and the steady paycheck, but at the same time i hate my job and don't want to be a cook for the rest of my life (well, we can work at other places, but i have a funny feeling that i will never get moved!) And i'm getting to be a moody person. I am no longer a friendly person at work. I used to be all nice to the customers and now i don't even care and it's not their fault (sometimes it is) but i am so unhappy when i am at work. And i bust my ass off at work and sometimes it seems like people don't even notice. Yeah i could get out, but i am afriad of not having the same stability. Sometimes i feel like i took the easy way out. I could have easily gone to college like the rest of the people my age, but in the military everything is handed to you. You have a place to sleep and eat and cheap places to buy whatever you need, not to mention the good paycheck and this is my first job. I love the military lifestyle, but if they're aren't any jobs that i can cross-train into, then i'm either stuck in the job i have now or get out and be poor. Sooo with all that said and since i have no idea what i want to do, i'm going to try my hardest to save up money now and when i go to the desert just in case. And it's going to be so hard because i can't save money for the life of me!  I don't even know what i spend it on half the time!!!!! I know that if i et out i will probably live somewhere in Texas either San Antonio, Dallas or Houston, but not EVER Dumas. Too small..not enough jobs...you get the point. And i would love to go back to NM but there really isn't anything there for me either and i contemplated on moving to Cali, but it's really expensive there. Maybe I'll just marry a rich man so he can take care of all my expenses and i'll just clean and cook for him!  any takers??????? LOL! Naw, i can't to that....i'm too independent for that. Well, i gotta go ....more later